Delve deeper into me.

Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away.

2009-08-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

I've always been timid when it comes to telling someone how I truly feel about them, in the positive sense. Negatively, I have no problems telling you that I think you're a whore or a slut-faced cunt and you need to be bitch-slapped until your eyes pop out. But telling someone how I feel about them, even if they're just a friend? It scares me to death. I've never understood why, either. What's the worst that can happen, they tell me they don't like me anymore? They tell me they don't return my feelings? Whoop-de-do, right? I can always move on, I can always find someone else who'll return my feelings, yes?

But it doesn't register in my mind like that. I strive so hard to create friends and bonds and relationships that the harder I seem to try, the farther away everyone seems to push away from me. So when I finally come to terms with how I feel for someone, I clam up. I don't want to push them away. I don't want them to run away. I don't want them to find me an annoyance and just stop talking to me. So I become who I think they want me to be. I form to their needs and wants instead of my own, because I'd rather make them happy then show them what makes me happy and fear losing them. Trust me. It happens. I've lost five friends in these past two years, gained two of them back, am still timid around two of them, and one I probably won't ever talk to ever again. And why? Because I opened myself up too much. I got too close to them, I let them know too much about me, and they got scared. They ran away, instead of letting me know how they feel.

So when I say I'm scared to tell you how I feel? To let you know what I'm thinking? It's because I have before, and I've been turned down. I've felt rejection before, and the more I think about it, the more I wish my heart could turn to ice. To go numb. Because then I wouldn't be able to feel that pain again. It scares me possibly more than I mentioned death does in one of my previous entries. If my heart was ice, I wouldn't mind getting stabbed in the back countless times. I wouldn't mind getting my heart broken over and over and over because I'd expect it, or better yet, I'd break hearts before they could break mine. But I can't do that. I can't go numb, and I think that's what is probably the worst attribute I have. I can't not feel.

What's funny though, is that if someone else asks me how I feel about a different person, I can tell them. I can go on and on and on about how much I adore so-and-so or how much of an amazing person so-and-so is or how much I might be falling for so-and-so, but I can't tell so-and-so. This makes me laugh because no one can keep a secret anymore. The minute you let yourself blab to someone about how you feel about a friend of theirs, they're anxious to tell them. They'll even let it slip, without meaning to, or perhaps they do mean to. Perhaps they want to help you, motivate you into letting that person know how you feel. Or they're trying to cause some drama and find this to be an interesting chapter in their book. Whatever the motive, the reason, it still happens. So it's hard to confide in a lot of people when you're scared that they're just going to turn around and tell that person exactly what you said, which is what I'm usually afraid of. Even after I've said "DON'T TELL THEM I SAID THIS OR I'M WORRIED ABOUT THAT," I'm still worried they'll do it. I've lost so much faith in most of humanity now that I don't have to think it to know they're going to tell the person what I said, no matter how much I beg and plead them not to. As irritating as it may be, I probably can't blame them. I want to, but it seems to be the majority of human nature to pass something on, to not keep things a secret.

So if I don't completely open up to you, if I don't trust you right away, if I haven't told you how I feel towards you, it isn't your fault. I'm just nervous and scared and probably haven't opened up to you like I should. But if you manage to wrap me around your finger, maybe give me a little nudge or perhaps a shove, I'll tell. I just need to know that you won't run away from me. As scared as I am to tell you how I feel, I'm much more worse off if you run away from me, without ever mentioning to me how you feel for me.

When will it ever stop?

2009-04-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

First of all, I'm 20. I had to mentally grow up because my mother was horrible at taking care of my sister and I when she left my father. That's right, my mother left my father, and she took my younger sister and I with her. We moved to Atlanta, GA, and for 3 and a half years, my life was amazing. The only problems I had were fake best friends (you're at a young age where everyone tries to be like each other and like each other at the same time) and my "enemies" in Kinder Care, which now seem to be silly little kids things, but there was one girl who I will never forget. Her name was Emily, and for some reason, she didn't want me to be friends with my best friend Elizabeth. I never understood why, and I still don't. But she would do everything in her power to get Elizabeth's attention away from me. She would trip me when I was going to the bathroom so that she could get Elizabeth to hang out with her during break instead of me. She used to always put things in my seat so that I couldn't sit next to Elizabeth and it was torture when I had to get glasses when I was 8, because Emily never let me forget it. And the problem was, Elizabeth never told Emily to stop. She knew she was doing bad things to me, yet she also never did or said anything about it.

Thankfully, we moved from Atlanta to Raleigh, NC and I thought this place would be better. I was wrong, unfortunately. Because I wasn't part of the "popular" crowd and I had moved in the middle of the year, I had a much harder time with making friends. I had two best friends, and that was it. I also had a crush on one of the guys named Kevin, and he and I used to ride the same bus. Well, someone overheard me telling my friend Stephanie that I liked Kevin, and it spread. Horribly spread. Everyone would do the "kevin and mary sitting in a tree" song all the time, and all the guys would tease Kevin about me, as well. They'd do kissy faces towards us and eventually, Kevin got so sick of it that he told the entire class he hated my guts and how could they think that he would even like such filth. Well, I was pretty crushed by this point. I was also glad that I was attending a year-round school, and we had break right after all of this, and after we came back, everyone seemed to forget what happened, except for me. I could never look at Kevin the same way, and I always avoided him as best as I could. I was so grateful that fourth grade was almost over and I would be in a different class from him for fifth grade.

Well, fifth grade came around and I moved. Again. My sister and I went to live with my grandparents, and for half a year, we lived in Winston-Salem, NC. Now, the school I attended there was actually even worse with the popularity contest and everything. If you weren't popular, you weren't liked, and believe me, I was hated. This was also when I started to despise any girl I met named Chelsea, because every girl since 5th grade I've met named Chelsea has hated me and done whatever in her power to make school life miserable for me. This Chelsea was no exception. She'd push me down when we played soccer during gym, she'd trip me any way she could, and she would always put things in my path so that I would trip over them. I would come home from school with bruises on my face and my body, but I never said a word. I never wanted to tell my grandparents that I was getting bullied because so much else was on their plate. My sister, of course, knew everything and she and I would sit in our room at night and cry for the most part. Fifth grade was also when I had my first nightmare. Or the one I can vividly remember, and I still have it to this day, but back to Chelsea. See, she found out that I had a small crush on her boyfriend (lol boyfriends in 5th grade), and she plotted. We went to this field trip on the outer banks in North Carolina, and I was so excited because Isaac spent a lot of time talking to me. He sat next to me on the bus, he would walk with me for every tour we did, and he even laughed at the silly things I used to say back then. Well, on the last night of the field trip, there was a dance. Isaac had asked me to go with him, and I said yes. I got all pretty and left the hotel room I shared with my friend Cara and walked to the ballroom that the dance was being held in. Only to come to the ballroom and not only was it empty, but when I walked outside of the hotel, Chelsea, Isaac, and all their friends jumped out and started throwing food at me. Eggs, tomatoes, and even some mud. They then pushed me into one of the closets and locked the door on me until one of the teachers found me because she heard me sobbing.

From then, school didn't get any better. I was made fun of for my weight, wearing glasses, my hair not being straight, and some kids even pretended that I never took a bath or a shower and that I never wore deodorant, they even got one of the classes I was in to have no one sit next to me at all. When I was in 7th grade, I despised how fat I was getting too, and instead of getting off at my bus stop, I would run home from the other bus stop. Well, I was losing weight and gaining muscle, but some of the 8th graders found out what I was doing and copied me, making fun of me while I ran. After that, I gave up on working out. I gave up on a lot of things, but not my schoolwork. This was probably what I used to get teased for the most. I was a book worm. I still am. I love to read, I love math, and I'm quite intelligent. The teachers loved me because I always had the answer to everything, and the students ended up despising me for it. They would call me a nerd, I was always pushed to the "nerd" table during lunch, and they would sometimes steal, or rather hide, my things. Pencils, books, notebooks, stuff like that so that it would look like I hadn't been prepared. In 8th grade, I was even blackmailed into doing my current friend Sean's homework because he found out that I had a crush on this guy Zack and he threatened to tell him if I didn't do his homework for him in math. Unfortunately, I also had to go to high school with Sean, but during 9th grade, he and I began to mellow out and now we're good friends.

I used to also be teased for my first name, which is why I despise it so much and I refuse to let anyone call me by it unless they absolutely have to (family, co-workers, bosses, etc.). I hated school for the mere fact that I hated the students. I was made fun of for being shy because I was too afraid to say anything and then getting laughed at. I was made fun of for actually talking to someone. I've had best friends turn into mortal enemies, of which have ended up hurting me and making my life even more miserable than it was before. What's worse is that there are even these idiots online. There are a few people that I've met and were friends with, and now they hate me just as much as almost everyone back in Cary, NC does (where I spent 7th-12th grade). They spend so much time trying to make me feel miserable, but it's funny because I don't care. I don't care that they don't like me, I don't care about any rumors they spread about me anymore.

And, even with all of this, I still smile. I still laugh, I still joke around with everyone, I am still one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life, and I will care about you from the moment you say hi to me, and even if we eventually part ways because that's how I am. My look on life will always be optimistic and it's hard not to stop. So, I just wanted to tell everyone this because you don't have to succumb to drugs, alcohol, physical abuse, mental abuse, or anything else in that direction. Not even suicide. You don't have to endure all of this alone and there are people out there willing to help you, you just have to find them.

To err is human.

2009-03-03T00:58:00.000-08:00

Many people don't realize this, but everyone makes mistakes. No one is perfect. No one can slip by and say "I don't lie," "I'm not two-faced," "I've never back-stabbed anyone," "I don't talk about people behind their back" because you have done at least one of these in your life. No matter if it's in a positive or negative light, it's the truth and sadly, you can't escape from it. Even Mother Teresa made one mistake in her life, along with Gandhi.

The thing that utterly kills me is how so many people are hypocritical to one another. One person will make a mistake, and everyone's fine with it, and still treat them as a friend. Then, another person makes that same mistake, and it's like the whole world has ended. They'll pitch fights, claim to dislike them, and start to berate them in public for the same mistake that the first person made. I honestly don't see how this is fair. If you're willing to look past it for the first person, what makes it harder to do it for the second? I've had so many people say things like "well, I only let it slide for certain people" or "But it wasn't the first person's fault in the first place!" That's bullshit and we all know it. :/ No matter who's fault it is, it happened. And what makes it even worse is that a lot of the time, most people will high-five their friends for what's happened, where at the same time, they'll shun others for doing the exact same thing.

Both guys and girls cheat. You can't say one gender is more prominent because it isn't true. We're all capable of cheating, we're all capable of lying to our significant others because we're afraid of telling them the truth, we're all capable of losing trust. But what I don't get is how, guys will high-five each other when they cheat, yet if they find out the girl has cheated, they'll start to call them names and try their best at making them feel so low, suicide looks like a good option. And don't worry, it's not just the guys who do it either. Ladies, you'll giggle and twitter with excitement when you find out your girlfriend has just met a new guy and possibly might do stuff with him the same night she's supposed to go out on a date, yet when you find out the boyfriend was cheating, you'll go into how horrible of a person he is, and also try your best at humiliating him, or even just shunning him out of your life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm tired of all the hypocrisy. If you're going to let someone slide for doing a certain thing, i.e. cheating, lying, back-stabbing, etc., then why not let everyone else slide with it as well? It's honestly not fair, but then again, you'd probably make an amazing defense lawyer. :/

Death, where is thy sting?

2009-01-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?”

“You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.”

“Dying is not romantic, and death is not a game which will soon be over... Death is not anything... death is not... It's the absence of presence, nothing more... the endless time of never coming back... a gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it, it makes no sound...”

Death scares me. It frightens me to the point where I try not to think of it. Most of the time I don't. I just go about my day, laughing and smiling and joking. But then there are times where it'll just, come across my mind. I could be doing anything: driving to work, using the bathroom, about to go to sleep, and then it just clicks, as if there's someone in my brain watching tv and all they want to do is watch this channel. And I can never think about it for too long either, so usually the thoughts that do come to mind usually continue to sit there, and I'll think of them when I have nothing else to think about.

One main thought is what happens after death? What will we become? Do we go into a heaven-like abyss with the pearly gates sitting there and the gatekeeper going through the list of our sins and then either letting us pass through or telling us that we have sinned so much that we must now progress to the darkness of hell? Do we regenerate into the same human beings we were before, reliving our lives over and over and over in an endless loop? Do we get to be reborn as something else, depending on how our previous lives went and whether or not we were good enough? If I could have an answer to any of these questions, I'd be happy. And I'm also a bit tired of people saying "Well, I know what happens. We go up to heaven." But are they really sure? Does anyone honestly know what really happens when we die? I mean, if it's true that we go up to heaven, then why are there ghosts? Why are there so many other religions that don't believe in a heaven? Why is there no proof? Death is eternal, that's a definite. But what happens after death is what I'm trying to find out.

I just wish there was an answer. Any answer would be fine, as long as it has proof. I just, I want to ease my mind so that I know what happens to us after we perish. I want to know that what I did wasn't all in vain, and that there's something else out there. To think that we just sit and rot in the already decaying earth is a bit uneasy for my stomach to handle, but if that's the exact answer that I'm given, then I'll take it. But as I said, there has to be proof. Any nonsense in religious terms will be thrown out the window because I honestly don't want to hear it. You don't have proof, and using the bible as your proof would be like reading a Star Weekly magazine and believing that Lindsay Lohan broke up Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and is now dating her, just because a magazine said so.

Speaking what thy own heart commands.

2008-12-06T20:32:00.000-08:00

I've always been a huge fan of quotes, as you can see with the post in regards towards the movie, Hitch. Quotes just, I don't know, draw me in, I guess is the best description for them. Basically, I like to use quotes to describe how I'm feeling/how I've felt in the past, and it's also good to know that other people have gone through the same thing as me, and to know that I'm not alone, and to also know that I'm not crazy for feeling that way. Whether they're funny/silly/cute/loving/sad/hurtful/depressing quotes. I just, I always find ones that help express my opinions towards certain topics. Even political quotes are fun to look for.

And it's not like I find them at the exact same time I feel that way. I could be extremely happy, and I'm sitting here, finding all these depressing and sad quotes, and copying and pasting them into an e-mail or a word document, or even an away message on AIM, and saving them. It just, it really depends on how the quote is written really, rather than defining the mood I'm in.

I used to have a thing on my Myspace called "quote of the day." Each day, I would sift through the endless quotes that I've saved, and pick one that might fight the mood that I'm in at that moment. But I ended up stopping that because I change moods too quickly, because things in my life change too quickly. For example, over the summer, I think I was in the most oddest state I've ever been in (to go into why is for a different post, on a different day). One minute I was happy, the next minute I was on the verge of tears, the next minute I was furious, and then I would go back to being happy again. Mainly due to certain people and events, but I realized that I can't have a quote of the day because of how easily my mood fluctuates. I would have to have a "quote of the mood" instead of a "quote of the day."

As I had planned, I'm going to share with you guys some of my favorite quotes, of which everyone can comment on if they wish to. Not as if you have to, as I honestly don't expect comments, though I do wish to thank Paige and Lizzie for leaving me comments on what they think of what I've posted. It does mean a lot to me that people actually care about what I say, lol. But, anyway, onto the quotes!

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."

"You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead? "

"I wish I could give you what you're looking for, but I don't know what it is. There's a part of you that you keep closed off from everyone, including me. It's as if I'm not the one you're really with."

"Never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about."

"There's a difference between letting go and pretending you've forgotten."

"There are just certain things in life that are better off unknown; things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt."

"I've made mistakes in my life. I've let people take advantage of me, and I accepted way less than I deserve. But, I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve."

"Sometimes no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them, and sometimes it's those memories that give you the faith to go on."

I could honestly go on for days and maybe even posts with as many quotes as I have saved, but these are honestly the ones that I've always loved the most. Well, not every single one that I've loved the most, but really the only ones I can find, or remember word for word.

My thanks.

2008-12-01T00:45:00.000-08:00

I was honestly much too busy with work on Thanksgiving to really make a post towards who I want to thank and why I'm thankful to be here and everything else, but I honestly want to now. I never made one last year since even though I was forced away from Anna and Mommy when I needed them the most, I still managed to be with them on Thanksgiving. But now, even though I miss them like crazy, I know this is better for me. Anyway.

The first thing is, is that I am grateful for my family. Without them, I wouldn't be who I basically am today. I love everyone in my family, and if it wasn't for their support, I don't know how I would've gotten through this past year.

I'm also grateful for my friends, both the ones I have in real life (Martha, Samantha, Shey, Christina, Autumn, Taylor, Matty-Fatty, Matty, Jacob, Keith, Nicole at a point, Corey, James Aaron at one point), and the ones I've made online. I'm especially grateful for Drew. He's helped me through so much in the past year, and though we were on rocky terms before he left for the army, I still believe our friendship is strong, and no matter what, he'll always be a huge part of my life. Then there's Kelli. Since 2006, she's the only one that's stuck as my friend through everything that's happened (the mishap with Spencer, the mishap with Lyan and Cole, my car accident, all the fights I've had with Drew, two break-ups, the mishap with Mic, the mishap with Lee, the mishap with Wiki, and everything else that's happened at WF that I've told her about). I can honestly say that Kelli is my best girl friend online, and I'm so happy to be her friend. Then of course, there's everyone that I met through AOL (Lee, Travis, Mai-Mai, Ryan, Vampy, Mat, Carter, Jensen, Taytay, Mikey, AJ, Lindsey, Eddie, and Zach) and WF (Lizzie, Riddles, Grave, AK, David, Mark, Lithy, Gisele, Doodlez, Ted, Paige, Zackahkah, and Elle). They've also made a rather good impact on my life, and I'm extremely happy that I know all of them, no matter what we've gone through in the past.

Then there's Chris. I am so grateful and thankful that I met him. I love him with every part of my soul, and I honestly don't see what I did without knowing him. Of course we have our little snags and fights that almost every couple goes through, but I know we've made it through them stronger and wiser because of what's happened in the past. There are a few issues we do need to handle, but we're getting there. I just want him to know that I do honestly love him, and I don't want to stop.

The last person I'm going to be grateful for is Mic. Odd for me to put him in here, but I did want to mention to him how grateful I am to have met him. He's opened my eyes and shown me that I honestly should not trust every person that talks to me, and that mostly everyone does have a motive and that I should be picky with whom I give my heart out to. So thank you Mic, for being there to show me that. Lee should also be put in there as well.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2008-11-19T17:04:00.000-08:00

"Expecting bad things to never happen to good people is like a vegetarian expecting a bull not to charge."

I have a bad habit of reading quotes when I'm bored. Quotes and icons. I usually find certain Xangas that have a lot of quotes or icons and just, sift through them, reading and taking the ones I like. I usually make them into away messages on AIM, but sometimes I'll put them into the things I make on Photoshop, but this quote is one that struck me the most because it is true.

My sister and I honestly have bad luck. Whenever something good happens to us, something worse always follows. At first, I thought it was because the universe wanted to balance things out, you know, make it so that it's always even. But yet, if something tiny makes me happy, even the smallest thing imaginable, something horrible happens. I've never understood why this happens, and up until I read this quote, I always thought it to be unfair. My sister and I are good people. Yes, we've stopped going to church. Yes, we've shoplifted. Yes, I'm bi-sexual. But, for every negative thing about us, there's always a positive to follow right along with it. So, if we've managed to balance our universe, why can't the universe balance us? That was a question I'd always ask myself whenever something bad happened to me, but this quote (you know, the one at the top of the post that I've seemingly talked through?) taught me something.

Just because you're a good person doesn't mean you should expect good treatment. Bad things are always going to happen, no matter who you are. It used to seem that everyone around me was always able to get what they want without any consequences, and at first, it didn't seem fair. I was even jealous of a few of my friends, until I learned about their pasts. Then I realized that it is true, "good things happen to those that wait." But the only problem I have for that quote is that I've always been impatient, it's why I have so much difficulty with dial-up. I always want everything then and there, so when I have to wait for something, it's hard. Half the time I even give up, not wanting to wait forever for something that should've happened sooner than the time that I was waiting. So to wait for good things to happen to me without any consequences seems impossible for me.

But I'll do it. I want to be alive when the time is come and that I do get what I deserve. Everyone around me has told me that I shouldn't wait, and that I should act just like everyone else, horrible. But that isn't me. I'm not a horrible person, and to change who I am might disrupt the universe entirely. And if it does, that would mean that I'll be setting back my chances for good things to happen to me, and that isn't what I want to do.

Love is meant for me and you.

2008-11-13T21:54:00.000-08:00

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." -Alex Hitchins, Hitch

I watched Hitch last night for the bajillionth time, but this quote stood out to me more than it has since the many times that I've seen this movie. It brought up a few good questions that I'm ready to ask all of you: how do we know we've met "the one?" How do we know when we're with the person that we're supposed to spend the rest of our life with, our soul mate? And if there is a way to tell, how is it that sometimes we let them slip away?

Some people say that we just know. We can be walking down the street and BAM, they're right there, in front of our eyes. But what if they don't feel the same? Doesn't that mean that they aren't the one and that you need to move on and find someone else? Yet, why is it so hard to do that? Also, a lot of people have actually met their one true love, yet that person died due to some illness or a freak car accident. But, I honestly can't trust that that person was the person they were supposed to spend the rest of their life with, because if they were, why would they be put through so much hell?

This kind of ties in with my grandparents. My grandfather was married to someone else before he got married to my grandmother. Her name was Truet, and she was absolutely gorgeous. But, she had leukemia, of which she didn't make it through. After about three years of mourning her and finally getting past his feelings for her, he and my grandmother started dating and they've been with each other ever since. Granddaddy says that Grandmama is his true love, but you should see his eyes when he talks about Truet. They get all glossy and it's like he's not even here. So how does that tie in? Was Truet really his true love and he just married Grandmama because he didn't want to be alone? Or was Truet just his first person to fall for and get on his way to meeting my grandmother?

I guess I can give my opinion here. I honestly don't think many people ever find their true love. There are roughly 6 billion people on this planet. I don't think it's very possible to find your true love on one continent, when there are six others you haven't been to. Now, there is that chance that you might find the person whom you can never get out of your mind and you just want them to always be with you, but to me, you have to be an extremely lucky person (of which I'm not) to find them.

Does this mean I'm completely against relationships and marriage and think they're stupid? No. I want to get married, actually. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and I honestly do not want to get divorced. But I cannot say that the person I spend the rest of my life with is my soul mate, but I'm also not going to stop myself from getting married just in case I do find that person. I don't want to screw myself from happiness for someone that I just may never meet. So, I'll leave you guys with another quote, which is also my favorite one from Hitch. It's also the quote I used as my senior quote when I graduated from high school.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away." -Alex Hitchins, Hitch

Almost 100 views!

2008-11-12T00:57:00.000-08:00

I didn't think my blog would become this popular, but I guess I owe all of my friends from FKR and WF a huge thank you for checking it out and giving me comments. I promise to update as frequently as I can, probably whenever an interesting thought crosses my mind and I feel I need to share it.

One that recently came to mind (actually, I thought of it last night when I was writing my other blog entry, but I was already on a roll with that one) is actually a thread I recently made on WireForums (srsly guys, pleaseee check it out): do people really change? Can someone who's always thought of killing someone actually end up turning a different cheek?

For me, I'm not too sure. I mean, you see it all the time, in books, movies, television shows, cartoons, anime, manga, and plays. Yet, that's just fiction and we usually want fiction to turn out good. But how does it apply to reality? It's like, all those people who go to jail for being serial killers or rapists or pedophilia. Can they really turn a different cheek and be good? I've always thought it could happen, but what if they have a flashback? What if one day, they're just doing something they normally do, like pouring a cup of coffee or mowing the lawn, and they just snap? So then they aren't technically cured, right?

But then again, this can honestly relate to anything. It's always hard to give up something that you've grown accostumed to doing, even if it is murdering three kids at a time after raping them. It's hard to diet, it's hard to change your routine every morning, it's just hard to change in general. Yet some can do it. Some can give up fattening food for the rest of their life, vegetarians go from eating meat to totally despising it after finding out how we get it, and a lot of people can get into the routine of exercising everyday. But then this builds into the concept that giving up meat is extremely different than giving up the urge to want to kill someone, though in my opinion, everyone wants to kill someone.

Why do I always seem to ask questions that can't relatively get an answer to them? It honestly is quite annoying to myself, and probably those that read my blogs. I also apologize for my incoherence in most of my entries. I seem to go from one subject to another with no boundaries and without warning, along with my thoughts being scattered everywhere and in no order whatsoever.

Do you care to think?

2008-11-10T21:03:00.001-08:00

This is honestly something that's been running through my mind for the past few days: what are other people's opinions of me? I never remember to ask until it's too late, and when I do ask, I feel that they aren't exactly being truthful to me. Might just be the paranoia, which it probably is, but a lot of the time it isn't.

What really set me on this train of thought is when I was thinking of my friend Drew who recently went into the army. I was talking with my friend Mai on the same forum that we go to (which you guys should totally check out, it's in my links) and her going on about how cool he is made me wonder: how did I stick out to him? Before he left, he told me that I was one of the most important people in his life and that he would never trade the four years that we've known each other for anything, but I don't get how I stood out to him. Or anyone, really. I mean, what makes me stick out to most people? To me, I seem to be an average person, if not maybe a bit weird. I don't seem to stick out in a good way, but more in the "she's kind of weird" way. Maybe it's the fact that I don't see my positive qualities that a lot of people tell me I have. I don't see myself in a good light. I've never been able to, and it's kind of hard to actually think positively of yourself after having so many negative things thrown at you since you were a little kid.

My entire life I've been made fun of. From people making fun of my first name, making fun of me having to wear glasses, making fun of my acne, making fun of my height, making fun of my hair, to even making fun of my taste in music or the clothes I wear. It's honestly pathetic how they can think up all these things to make fun of someone for, and yet, it makes you wonder with all these negative things, how do people find the positive? How is it that I can still make friends with basically anyone that I meet? What qualities do I have that are good? The only person I can ever think to answer this question is Chris, but I bet he's getting tired of having me ask it since I've done it about ten times now. Yet, I still do. I still want to know what good qualities I have. How it makes me stand out than anyone else. How I grabbed their attention more than anyone else's.

People have given me theories in the past. "Your breasts are so huge, who wouldn't want to be your friend?" "The things you do are just so cute." "You're hott, why wouldn't I want you as my friend?" Yet, these answers don't seem to be exactly truthful, because half the time I ask them those questions, I'm asking the people that I've met online and the ones that didn't even see my picture until six or so months AFTER I started talking to them. But then what attracted them to me? How did I stand out to them over anyone else? I can ask myself this question over and over and over and over and I still won't have an answer. But I want one. I need one. I need to know how I come off to everyone else. I need to know how others perceive me, why they like me. If I don't see my own good qualities, then shouldn't I be able to ask others what they are? But what if they don't have an answer for me? What if they don't know themselves?

This is honestly one of the hardest things to think about, and possibly is an annoyance because I really doubt I'll get an answer anytime soon.

Halloween isn't Christmas!

2008-10-31T18:46:00.000-07:00

Okay so, this has been a bother to me for basically years upon end. Ever since I've been a little girl, I've always wanted to understand WHY stores get ready for other holidays so early in the year. I mean, I can understand a month in advance. No use getting ready for Christmas two days before, ya know? But, when I started to work at Wal-Mart (about a week ago) they were already halfway through their Christmas season stuff. It's like, it's October. We haven't even gone through Halloween yet, and you're reminding me already that I need to buy these things for these people and get my Christmas cards? Half the people I send Christmas cards to don't get them anyway. :/

It just, it aggravates me more because it really does show how greedy our society is. They promote these holidays early in the year to make more money off of them. Companies promote their products early in the year, pushing and pushing and pushing sales, and the kids see something they want (like Rock Band 2, Guitar Hero: World Tour, Hannah Montana crap) and they beg and plead and tell mommy and daddy that they'll be good boys and girls and won't ask for anything else for Christmas. Yet, what always happens? They ask for MORE things. More presents. More products. Because companies come out with these products around the holiday season to get the parents to buy more and spend more money that they shouldn't be spending, but little Johnny and Susie want it.

I really want to know what happened to the simplicity of the holidays. Halloween used to be about cute costumes and trick-or-treating, with the simple contests of who has the better costume and who has the most candy. Now, it's all who threw the biggest party this year and who shelled out the most money to pay for the candy that's given out. You know, when I was little (which wasn't even that long ago), we had to go to at least 20 houses to get a lot of candy. I went trick-or-treating last year (yes, I still went even at 19), we only went to half my neighborhood, and my pillowcase was already half-full.

Though I sound a bit bitter, I do wish everyone a Happy Halloween, and if you took any pictures of you in your costume, be proud and show them around. I guarantee at least one person will like what you dressed up as (at work, I was a bunny with purple hair, at home I have an Alice in Wonderland costume which only Chris will see ;) ).

What if?

2008-10-24T18:45:00.000-07:00

For most of my life, I've always made a decision based on the popular question: what if? Usually, whichever answer suits me better, I usually go for it. But lately, instead of asking myself the question towards future decisions, I've been asking myself the same question about things that have happened to me in the past. Things like: what if my mom and dad never got divorced? What if we never moved from Atlanta? What if mommy never broke up with Wayne? What if the car accident never happened? What if Andy never went into the Navy? What if Drew and I actually lived closer to each other? What if he had never met Jes? What if he had actually moved to Colorado instead of going into the army? What if I had never gone to WF? What if I had never had AOL? What if I had never started RPing (to know why these questions are relevant, you'll have to ask ;) )?

There are about a million other questions that I could ask myself and dwell on, but this actually brings me to the point of my post: what if I actually got an answer to all of these questions? What would happen if, like in Sabrina the Teenage Witch, we were each given a glass ball that allowed us to ask the "what if" questions? How would my life be? Would I like what I see in the glass ball and hate how my life is going now, or would I hate what happens in the glass ball and love how my life is going now?

The thing about dwelling on the past is, is that you can never be sure of the correct answer. Things might've happened a certain way that you disagree with, but you can't change it. I've learned this soooooo much in just the past year. Every choice you make will usually affect a choice you'll later make, so you HAVE TO MAKE SURE you make the right one at the time. :/ I know this paragraph seems a bit preachy, but meh. I'm 20. I've lived two decades. I know a thing or two about life. Probably not as much as my mom or my grandparents, but enough to know that you honestly need to pay attention to the choices and decisions you make.

I mean, would you rather do that, or dwell in your room for the rest of your life running the "what if" questions through your head?

I need a new place to post.

2008-10-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly getting tired of Xanga, no one really reads Myspace blogs anymore, and I can never keep up with a journal. I probably suck the most with being a girl, but eh, I never was one to keep "private" things well, private. So I'm basically going to use this blogger as well, my means to show my private things to the public. Whether it bores you or not, you're going to basically delve into my mind with me, whether it's the conscious or the subconscious you wish to enter is rather up to you, but for now, I think we'll just practice with the conscious.

I'm not exactly sure where I should begin, but as I don't exactly have much time left before I go to bed, I guess I'll just ramble on a random topic until I need to go.

I honestly have a rather large distaste for two things that Chris (for those that don't know, he's my boyfriend) does. The first one is the fact that whenever he's on the phone with his best friend Roger Smith, he always has to find something to nitpick. Usually it's my driving, or how I park, which honestly pissed me off today because I was parked completely straight in the parking spot at Wal-Mart earlier today, but he kept thinking I wasn't. It's rather annoying to have someone doubting you only because they're on the phone with someone else and trying to look like the "bigger person." My mother always did it, and now my boyfriend does it as well. I just, I want to choke him. It's why I usually stay silent whenever he's talking to Roger Smith on the phone, as I don't want to have something I say get nitpicked at.

The second thing is that, whenever we have a fight, he'll never let me finish what I have to say. For example, I still don't know my way around Mississippi (we've only been down here for two and a half weeks), and each time I miss a street that we're supposed to turn down or ask him if it's the right street, he yells at me. Then, when I try to defend myself by saying that I don't know Ocean Springs that well, he tries to end the argument by kissing me and hoping I feel better and am not mad at him anymore. The thing is, I'm still mad. And then he gets upset when I tell him that I'm still mad. Like a kiss is supposed to fix everything. That's like saying I'm sorry and hoping everything is fixed. It's not. It might be a step towards solving the problem, but it doesn't completely solve it.

I'd like to point out that I do overly use these emoticons: >>, <<, :D, :], ;], and ;). They also usually mean I'm either kidding, or I'm trying to push the fact that what I'm doing/saying is actually right and that everyone around me is obviously always wrong. ;]

Anyway, check back soon for more. I promise I'll try my hardest not to be too boring.