This is honestly something that's been running through my mind for the past few days: what are other people's opinions of me? I never remember to ask until it's too late, and when I do ask, I feel that they aren't exactly being truthful to me. Might just be the paranoia, which it probably is, but a lot of the time it isn't.

What really set me on this train of thought is when I was thinking of my friend Drew who recently went into the army. I was talking with my friend Mai on the same forum that we go to (which you guys should totally check out, it's in my links) and her going on about how cool he is made me wonder: how did I stick out to him? Before he left, he told me that I was one of the most important people in his life and that he would never trade the four years that we've known each other for anything, but I don't get how I stood out to him. Or anyone, really. I mean, what makes me stick out to most people? To me, I seem to be an average person, if not maybe a bit weird. I don't seem to stick out in a good way, but more in the "she's kind of weird" way. Maybe it's the fact that I don't see my positive qualities that a lot of people tell me I have. I don't see myself in a good light. I've never been able to, and it's kind of hard to actually think positively of yourself after having so many negative things thrown at you since you were a little kid.

My entire life I've been made fun of. From people making fun of my first name, making fun of me having to wear glasses, making fun of my acne, making fun of my height, making fun of my hair, to even making fun of my taste in music or the clothes I wear. It's honestly pathetic how they can think up all these things to make fun of someone for, and yet, it makes you wonder with all these negative things, how do people find the positive? How is it that I can still make friends with basically anyone that I meet? What qualities do I have that are good? The only person I can ever think to answer this question is Chris, but I bet he's getting tired of having me ask it since I've done it about ten times now. Yet, I still do. I still want to know what good qualities I have. How it makes me stand out than anyone else. How I grabbed their attention more than anyone else's.

People have given me theories in the past. "Your breasts are so huge, who wouldn't want to be your friend?" "The things you do are just so cute." "You're hott, why wouldn't I want you as my friend?" Yet, these answers don't seem to be exactly truthful, because half the time I ask them those questions, I'm asking the people that I've met online and the ones that didn't even see my picture until six or so months AFTER I started talking to them. But then what attracted them to me? How did I stand out to them over anyone else? I can ask myself this question over and over and over and over and I still won't have an answer. But I want one. I need one. I need to know how I come off to everyone else. I need to know how others perceive me, why they like me. If I don't see my own good qualities, then shouldn't I be able to ask others what they are? But what if they don't have an answer for me? What if they don't know themselves?

This is honestly one of the hardest things to think about, and possibly is an annoyance because I really doubt I'll get an answer anytime soon.