"Expecting bad things to never happen to good people is like a vegetarian expecting a bull not to charge."

I have a bad habit of reading quotes when I'm bored. Quotes and icons. I usually find certain Xangas that have a lot of quotes or icons and just, sift through them, reading and taking the ones I like. I usually make them into away messages on AIM, but sometimes I'll put them into the things I make on Photoshop, but this quote is one that struck me the most because it is true.

My sister and I honestly have bad luck. Whenever something good happens to us, something worse always follows. At first, I thought it was because the universe wanted to balance things out, you know, make it so that it's always even. But yet, if something tiny makes me happy, even the smallest thing imaginable, something horrible happens. I've never understood why this happens, and up until I read this quote, I always thought it to be unfair. My sister and I are good people. Yes, we've stopped going to church. Yes, we've shoplifted. Yes, I'm bi-sexual. But, for every negative thing about us, there's always a positive to follow right along with it. So, if we've managed to balance our universe, why can't the universe balance us? That was a question I'd always ask myself whenever something bad happened to me, but this quote (you know, the one at the top of the post that I've seemingly talked through?) taught me something.

Just because you're a good person doesn't mean you should expect good treatment. Bad things are always going to happen, no matter who you are. It used to seem that everyone around me was always able to get what they want without any consequences, and at first, it didn't seem fair. I was even jealous of a few of my friends, until I learned about their pasts. Then I realized that it is true, "good things happen to those that wait." But the only problem I have for that quote is that I've always been impatient, it's why I have so much difficulty with dial-up. I always want everything then and there, so when I have to wait for something, it's hard. Half the time I even give up, not wanting to wait forever for something that should've happened sooner than the time that I was waiting. So to wait for good things to happen to me without any consequences seems impossible for me.

But I'll do it. I want to be alive when the time is come and that I do get what I deserve. Everyone around me has told me that I shouldn't wait, and that I should act just like everyone else, horrible. But that isn't me. I'm not a horrible person, and to change who I am might disrupt the universe entirely. And if it does, that would mean that I'll be setting back my chances for good things to happen to me, and that isn't what I want to do.

"Because that's what people do. They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, Sarah, falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." -Alex Hitchins, Hitch

I watched Hitch last night for the bajillionth time, but this quote stood out to me more than it has since the many times that I've seen this movie. It brought up a few good questions that I'm ready to ask all of you: how do we know we've met "the one?" How do we know when we're with the person that we're supposed to spend the rest of our life with, our soul mate? And if there is a way to tell, how is it that sometimes we let them slip away?

Some people say that we just know. We can be walking down the street and BAM, they're right there, in front of our eyes. But what if they don't feel the same? Doesn't that mean that they aren't the one and that you need to move on and find someone else? Yet, why is it so hard to do that? Also, a lot of people have actually met their one true love, yet that person died due to some illness or a freak car accident. But, I honestly can't trust that that person was the person they were supposed to spend the rest of their life with, because if they were, why would they be put through so much hell?

This kind of ties in with my grandparents. My grandfather was married to someone else before he got married to my grandmother. Her name was Truet, and she was absolutely gorgeous. But, she had leukemia, of which she didn't make it through. After about three years of mourning her and finally getting past his feelings for her, he and my grandmother started dating and they've been with each other ever since. Granddaddy says that Grandmama is his true love, but you should see his eyes when he talks about Truet. They get all glossy and it's like he's not even here. So how does that tie in? Was Truet really his true love and he just married Grandmama because he didn't want to be alone? Or was Truet just his first person to fall for and get on his way to meeting my grandmother?

I guess I can give my opinion here. I honestly don't think many people ever find their true love. There are roughly 6 billion people on this planet. I don't think it's very possible to find your true love on one continent, when there are six others you haven't been to. Now, there is that chance that you might find the person whom you can never get out of your mind and you just want them to always be with you, but to me, you have to be an extremely lucky person (of which I'm not) to find them.

Does this mean I'm completely against relationships and marriage and think they're stupid? No. I want to get married, actually. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and I honestly do not want to get divorced. But I cannot say that the person I spend the rest of my life with is my soul mate, but I'm also not going to stop myself from getting married just in case I do find that person. I don't want to screw myself from happiness for someone that I just may never meet. So, I'll leave you guys with another quote, which is also my favorite one from Hitch. It's also the quote I used as my senior quote when I graduated from high school.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away." -Alex Hitchins, Hitch

I didn't think my blog would become this popular, but I guess I owe all of my friends from FKR and WF a huge thank you for checking it out and giving me comments. I promise to update as frequently as I can, probably whenever an interesting thought crosses my mind and I feel I need to share it.

One that recently came to mind (actually, I thought of it last night when I was writing my other blog entry, but I was already on a roll with that one) is actually a thread I recently made on WireForums (srsly guys, pleaseee check it out): do people really change? Can someone who's always thought of killing someone actually end up turning a different cheek?

For me, I'm not too sure. I mean, you see it all the time, in books, movies, television shows, cartoons, anime, manga, and plays. Yet, that's just fiction and we usually want fiction to turn out good. But how does it apply to reality? It's like, all those people who go to jail for being serial killers or rapists or pedophilia. Can they really turn a different cheek and be good? I've always thought it could happen, but what if they have a flashback? What if one day, they're just doing something they normally do, like pouring a cup of coffee or mowing the lawn, and they just snap? So then they aren't technically cured, right?

But then again, this can honestly relate to anything. It's always hard to give up something that you've grown accostumed to doing, even if it is murdering three kids at a time after raping them. It's hard to diet, it's hard to change your routine every morning, it's just hard to change in general. Yet some can do it. Some can give up fattening food for the rest of their life, vegetarians go from eating meat to totally despising it after finding out how we get it, and a lot of people can get into the routine of exercising everyday. But then this builds into the concept that giving up meat is extremely different than giving up the urge to want to kill someone, though in my opinion, everyone wants to kill someone.

Why do I always seem to ask questions that can't relatively get an answer to them? It honestly is quite annoying to myself, and probably those that read my blogs. I also apologize for my incoherence in most of my entries. I seem to go from one subject to another with no boundaries and without warning, along with my thoughts being scattered everywhere and in no order whatsoever.

This is honestly something that's been running through my mind for the past few days: what are other people's opinions of me? I never remember to ask until it's too late, and when I do ask, I feel that they aren't exactly being truthful to me. Might just be the paranoia, which it probably is, but a lot of the time it isn't.

What really set me on this train of thought is when I was thinking of my friend Drew who recently went into the army. I was talking with my friend Mai on the same forum that we go to (which you guys should totally check out, it's in my links) and her going on about how cool he is made me wonder: how did I stick out to him? Before he left, he told me that I was one of the most important people in his life and that he would never trade the four years that we've known each other for anything, but I don't get how I stood out to him. Or anyone, really. I mean, what makes me stick out to most people? To me, I seem to be an average person, if not maybe a bit weird. I don't seem to stick out in a good way, but more in the "she's kind of weird" way. Maybe it's the fact that I don't see my positive qualities that a lot of people tell me I have. I don't see myself in a good light. I've never been able to, and it's kind of hard to actually think positively of yourself after having so many negative things thrown at you since you were a little kid.

My entire life I've been made fun of. From people making fun of my first name, making fun of me having to wear glasses, making fun of my acne, making fun of my height, making fun of my hair, to even making fun of my taste in music or the clothes I wear. It's honestly pathetic how they can think up all these things to make fun of someone for, and yet, it makes you wonder with all these negative things, how do people find the positive? How is it that I can still make friends with basically anyone that I meet? What qualities do I have that are good? The only person I can ever think to answer this question is Chris, but I bet he's getting tired of having me ask it since I've done it about ten times now. Yet, I still do. I still want to know what good qualities I have. How it makes me stand out than anyone else. How I grabbed their attention more than anyone else's.

People have given me theories in the past. "Your breasts are so huge, who wouldn't want to be your friend?" "The things you do are just so cute." "You're hott, why wouldn't I want you as my friend?" Yet, these answers don't seem to be exactly truthful, because half the time I ask them those questions, I'm asking the people that I've met online and the ones that didn't even see my picture until six or so months AFTER I started talking to them. But then what attracted them to me? How did I stand out to them over anyone else? I can ask myself this question over and over and over and over and I still won't have an answer. But I want one. I need one. I need to know how I come off to everyone else. I need to know how others perceive me, why they like me. If I don't see my own good qualities, then shouldn't I be able to ask others what they are? But what if they don't have an answer for me? What if they don't know themselves?

This is honestly one of the hardest things to think about, and possibly is an annoyance because I really doubt I'll get an answer anytime soon.