I've always been timid when it comes to telling someone how I truly feel about them, in the positive sense. Negatively, I have no problems telling you that I think you're a whore or a slut-faced cunt and you need to be bitch-slapped until your eyes pop out. But telling someone how I feel about them, even if they're just a friend? It scares me to death. I've never understood why, either. What's the worst that can happen, they tell me they don't like me anymore? They tell me they don't return my feelings? Whoop-de-do, right? I can always move on, I can always find someone else who'll return my feelings, yes?

But it doesn't register in my mind like that. I strive so hard to create friends and bonds and relationships that the harder I seem to try, the farther away everyone seems to push away from me. So when I finally come to terms with how I feel for someone, I clam up. I don't want to push them away. I don't want them to run away. I don't want them to find me an annoyance and just stop talking to me. So I become who I think they want me to be. I form to their needs and wants instead of my own, because I'd rather make them happy then show them what makes me happy and fear losing them. Trust me. It happens. I've lost five friends in these past two years, gained two of them back, am still timid around two of them, and one I probably won't ever talk to ever again. And why? Because I opened myself up too much. I got too close to them, I let them know too much about me, and they got scared. They ran away, instead of letting me know how they feel.

So when I say I'm scared to tell you how I feel? To let you know what I'm thinking? It's because I have before, and I've been turned down. I've felt rejection before, and the more I think about it, the more I wish my heart could turn to ice. To go numb. Because then I wouldn't be able to feel that pain again. It scares me possibly more than I mentioned death does in one of my previous entries. If my heart was ice, I wouldn't mind getting stabbed in the back countless times. I wouldn't mind getting my heart broken over and over and over because I'd expect it, or better yet, I'd break hearts before they could break mine. But I can't do that. I can't go numb, and I think that's what is probably the worst attribute I have. I can't not feel.

What's funny though, is that if someone else asks me how I feel about a different person, I can tell them. I can go on and on and on about how much I adore so-and-so or how much of an amazing person so-and-so is or how much I might be falling for so-and-so, but I can't tell so-and-so. This makes me laugh because no one can keep a secret anymore. The minute you let yourself blab to someone about how you feel about a friend of theirs, they're anxious to tell them. They'll even let it slip, without meaning to, or perhaps they do mean to. Perhaps they want to help you, motivate you into letting that person know how you feel. Or they're trying to cause some drama and find this to be an interesting chapter in their book. Whatever the motive, the reason, it still happens. So it's hard to confide in a lot of people when you're scared that they're just going to turn around and tell that person exactly what you said, which is what I'm usually afraid of. Even after I've said "DON'T TELL THEM I SAID THIS OR I'M WORRIED ABOUT THAT," I'm still worried they'll do it. I've lost so much faith in most of humanity now that I don't have to think it to know they're going to tell the person what I said, no matter how much I beg and plead them not to. As irritating as it may be, I probably can't blame them. I want to, but it seems to be the majority of human nature to pass something on, to not keep things a secret.

So if I don't completely open up to you, if I don't trust you right away, if I haven't told you how I feel towards you, it isn't your fault. I'm just nervous and scared and probably haven't opened up to you like I should. But if you manage to wrap me around your finger, maybe give me a little nudge or perhaps a shove, I'll tell. I just need to know that you won't run away from me. As scared as I am to tell you how I feel, I'm much more worse off if you run away from me, without ever mentioning to me how you feel for me.